


Midnight at the Death Eatery

by Librasmile (Tenthsun)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-01
Updated: 2016-10-01
Packaged: 2018-08-18 20:14:37
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8174599
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenthsun/pseuds/Librasmile
Summary: Featuring LIVE entertainment every night! 
  
  
  
  Never let it be said that karma doesn’t have a sick - no really, I wouldn’t even do this to Voldemort! - sense of humor…  An alternate universe of what should have, could have – ah, hell, just enjoy the crack!





	

**Author's Note:**

> _This is not a story. I don’t know what this is. So…here it is!_   
>  _**Disclaimer:** Ahem, YES I am temporarily jacking J.K. Rowling's ish so I can create some ish of my own (that I don't really own). Satisfied Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury Press and other assorted evil corporate overlords? Good. Now on to the story._

**Excerpts from the (unofficial) report on the progress of the Death Eater Occupational Rehabilitation initiative.**

Authored by **Prisoner Rehabilitation Liaison No. THX-1138** , Department of Magical Law Enforcement

**0oo0oo0**

**Former Potions Master Severus Snape** is the cook. His ribs are to _die_ for. Just don’t ask who – I mean what, I definitely said _what_ – they came from.

**Bellatrix Lestrange** is the coat check girl. For the love of Merlin do _not_ forget your receipt. That girl’s got an itchy wand finger. Nothing like a little crucio to sharpen your memory! Sure, go ahead, live dangerously and _don’t_ tip…

**Lucius Malfoy** is the head dishwasher. Yeah his luxuriously long mane of silvery blonde hair does trail into the dish water. But he conditions it religiously so the plates get an extra layer of shine.

**Narcissa Malfoy** is the head waitress. So, nope, she ain’t gettin’ you fries with that. And if you’re really nice she might even tell you – in between manicures – what’s _really_ in that hamburger. Then again, she told Voldie that Harry was dead, so…

**Voldemort** is host of the _Amazing Marvolo Magic Show!_ …no-oo-oo he hasn’t yet mastered pulling a rabbit out of a hat. But, for a little gratuity, he can put a piece of your soul in it (Bunny horcrux – yeah!) Plus, Bella always volunteers to be cut in half. One day he might even get it right. She keeps hoping. That’s our Bella, a true team player!

_**To be continued (maybe)...** _

**Author's Note:**

>  _Yeah...it's been a long year. So anyhoo, I may or may not have gotten inspiration from Not Exactly Dickens' gloriously cracky "In Snape's Kitchen," which can be found on the Occlumency website at http://occlumency.sycophanthex.com/viewuser.php?uid=7127 ___  
> Just sayin'...


End file.
